Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize