My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
