sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
