Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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