I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
