I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize