He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
