I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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