I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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