i just sent this text using only my big toe
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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