Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
