She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
