Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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