would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
