apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize