Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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