I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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