Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
