Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
