roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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