I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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