I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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