Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
