just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
