Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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