"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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