Can Purell be used as lube?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
