my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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