I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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