My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
