if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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