i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
