So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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