i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i've created a new STD.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
