Will you blow on my dice?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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