You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
