so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
