Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
