im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
