new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
