I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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