Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
