You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
