Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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