We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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