There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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