If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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