fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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