I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
