My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
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