you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
