So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
