Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
