god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
