should my penis look like a turkey
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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