i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
