Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
