I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
