I wish I only lived at night.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
be right there i have to get my cape
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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