I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
