Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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