I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Houston, we have a squirter
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
