On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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