She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
